The Angry Run

We all have bad days. Those sh*! days where, if you were a cartoon character, you would turn evil shades of red and purple then sputter and spew steam from your orifices. You know what I'm talking about.

Some take it out on their loved ones, some take it out on pedestrians, and some on Facebook (p.s stop that immediately. I cringe in embarrassment for you). Then, there are some who W-O-R-K it out.

I am advocating for the latter. The Angry Run is not a workout that I write into anyone's training plan. It is reserved as a WMD. Not that kind - this sh%# is for real. A WMD, in my arsenal, is a Workout of Minor Destruction - because your bitchy mood shouldn't ruin anyone else's day (or life).

This is how it goes:

1. Stop F-ing Around: Chose a route that is free of traffic, pedestrians, small children, animals, hobos, sorority girls or anybody else that could potentially f!@# with you and your run. I prefer a trail because it offers my senses a bit of a redirect. The height of trees makes my problems feel small, the smell of earth is calming, the potential to wreck on a root is stimulating and sh%# like that.
2. Shut Up. Just Shut Up:  A bad day is no excuse for poor safety practices. Text or Google chat someone to let them know where you are going and an approximate time you will return. That is all you should tell them. Do not call your loved one or strain your precious vocal cords in any way. Part of this workout involves not talking to anyone but your own brain. You two clearly have some sh^% to figure out. 
3. Rock Out with Your...Ipod On:  People, do not go there with me. If you listen to the radio while you drive your car, you have no business telling me that I can't listen to music when I run. Make sure you have something bad-a$$ to listen to. Listen to it loud. This stage replaces "comfort food." Do not pollute your sh*^ day with sh*^ food. Put on comfort music. I prefer the likes of Alice in Chains and Soundgarden. Bones rattled/lungs breathless. 
4. Move Your A$$: Now, go run as f!@#$ing hard as you can. Stop, walk and do it all over again. You have to run hard. Like pukey-lactic-acidy-red-faced-and-exhausted hard. Repeat over and over again until you are a) tired b) calm or c) lost
5. Stay Away From The Computer: You should not download this run. You should not record this run in your training journal. It's like it never f-ing happened.

Warning: This workout is not effective if you walk on a treadmill or air-quote running (aghem, JK). This workout should not get wet or be fed after midnight. This workout should not be repeated daily. If you feel as though you are angry enough to do this daily, you should speak with your doctor immediately. You should not perform this workout without doctor consultation. Listening to music over 85 decibals may negatively impact your hearing. You should not perform this workout if you have any underlying health conditions. If you fall down a lot, you should take your cell phone with you as a precaution. This workout may induce feelings heart failure, diarrhea, burning eyes, a mucus-covered face and other unreported conditions. Death may occur. If you experience any of these, you should consult your doctor immediately. Especially death. That is definitely not the goal of this workout. You should be aware that this is written in total f-ing sarcasm and what works for me may not work for you.